Today I'm sitting alone at home for the first time in what feels like foreverrrr. I have a lot of half-thought thoughts in my head, which result in zero blog posts. Everything feels all jumbled up, and I'm not sure what to share or if sharing anything is even worth while.
But somehow I always remember the very purpose of this blog, it's mantra of sorts, and that is to write just to write -- to write because this was and always will be my diary, a way of cataloguing my life. Even when it's boring and repetitive.
Sometimes I get so busy with life that the only way I cope is by maintaining a routine.
Wake, work, eat, computer, sleep, repeat.
It doesn't sound busy on paper, but little things always creep their way in like, don't forget to call the doctor, make an emergency grocery trip, catch up on your online lectures (!!) EMAIL THE DEAN ABOUT CHANGING YOUR MAJOR!! Also the battery on my laptop has completely stopped working, so I'm dragging my computer attached to an extension cord all throughout the house and needing to shut it down whenever I move to the next outlet. It's all been really weird lately.
The thing about it though, is I know that in the grand scheme of things I ain't seen nothin' yet. I'm in my twenties. There are no children, we aren't married, the responsibilites are minimal. Still, I can't help but feel unsettled.
School is driving me nuts. I'm in the process of changing my degree from Early Childhood Education back to English Literature. It's another application process I'm going through that feels so discouraging. Mostly it's because I'm not sure whether the dean will accept my application, but even more than that, I know that this time around there's no room for mess-ups. I absolutely cannot afford to miss anything. For someone who gets the occassional bouts of laziness combined with days where it all feels like too much, putting myself in a strict schedule is scary. It's probably the combination of job and school that's knocking me down, but at this point I have no choice. It's funny that I feel this way now... when before my only real commitment was work, all I wanted was to go back to school. I guess the grass is always greener...
Beyond that I think there is a general feeling of unsettling that has hung around my head for the last month or so. Nothing really feels finished or right. I know I have house things that I've been dying to adjust or change but haven't. I have personal things that I've been dying to adjust or change, but haven't. There's just a whole host of things that need changing that I just haven't gotten around to... like:
1. All the drapery in my room needs to go!
2. I need to eat cleaner and healthier
3. Accumulated junk needs to be thrown/donated.
4. Five night a week cooking must resume.
5. I need to learn to fall asleep without the TV.
It feels better and more manageable to see it typed out like that. I guess I'll start workin' on it.
This has been another episode of jumbled blogging by praxsmiles. Did you like that? Hopefully I'll be back next week with even more.